Dating newly divorced men advice
They’d been together for 10 years, married for two. James and I have our ups and our downs in what could be called “still the honeymoon phase.” And many of them, frankly, have to do with how he used to be married to someone else. There’s some immediate satisfaction of knowing, of course. I’m sorry to say it, but this one’s a real lose/lose. The recently divorced man is, with little exception, the recently traumatized man.
They’d met young, in their early 20s, and had decided, two months before James and I met, to divorce. James had been the one to request the divorce; his wife had been devastated by his decision. There’s not a week that goes by that I don’t think either A) I’m thrilled he’s got that experience under his belt, or B) Why god, did I have to fall in love with a guy with an ex-wife? But beyond that, it’s just a device with which to torture yourself. If he dumped her, you think, “What’s to stop him from dumping me? You’re destined to wonder – however briefly – how much of him is still in love with her. And if you’re the one who winds up with him, it will fall upon you to help him cope. A man with a now-defunct marriage under his belt has learned a few things about himself, about what he has to work on, about what he can and cannot handle.
Yet, I’ve noticed each answer (and I do answer every email) has a familiar ring to a much more fundamental question: It’s a fair and relevant question. So, to help other women, I’ve listed four things you should pay most attention.
I’ve also included what you may want to do in response.
I don’t know whether you lack the intrinsic talent to make it in art and design, but even the most transcendently gifted need grit and drive to get ahead in this tough profession.
Now, before we all get our panties in a bunch, before I get labeled the heinous man-stealer, let me toss out a few more details: James’ wife was on the cusp of no longer being his wife. But to quote Olivia Newton John in her star turn in “Grease,” What I mean to say is that over the course of those 10 hours I couldn’t knock the feeling – despite all those red flags – that James and I might still be a good match. Which brings me to now, two years into our relationship. In this day and age, the briefest jaunt through Facebook reveals significant portions of who this woman is: What she looks like, what parts of herself she likes to advertise.
Instead you found that by nature you’re less interested in variety than in harmony.
You found someone you really like, and even though apparently you have never made declarations about the future or fidelity, you feel you would be cheating if you started exploring how compatible you are with this new woman who’s caught your eye.
You may think you want to play the field forever, but I’m guessing that at some point you’ll tire of living such a bifurcated life.
If you come to love someone, it will take a lot of energy to keep her concealed from the other people you love most. But I have heard from children of divorce who grew up with a sense that a parent sacrificed a personal life for their sake, or that a parent indeed had a love life, but it was always hidden from them.